To the school's credit, they did not discuss what it means to be gay, 'tolerance', marriage, morality or 'Will and Grace'. Nor did they ask them to participate in a parade, in case you were wondering. The topic was not homosexuality, but rather the use of the word 'gay' specifically. (I am sure there must have been an incident recently that prompted this action. My guess is it could have just as easily been a racial slur or a comment about a suggested mental handicap.) In that tradition, the purpose of this note is not to take a stance for or against homosexuality either. It is a look into the language we use and why it offends us. Not whether it is actually offensive, by why many believe it is. As usual, I am not trying to answer the question or impose a belief on you. We all have certain points of view but do many of us really examine why we have them or where they came from? I am simply asking 'why?' and hopefully provoking you to do the same. So back to the gay exercise...
Stop. Were you offended? I said 'gay exercise' but what did I really mean? Was I saying the exercise was 'gay', thus making an implication that I believed the exercise to be inferior in some way? Or was I simply referring to the exercise that was about the word 'gay'? Had it been about the word 'green', could I not have referred to it as the 'green exercise'? In that case would Kermit The Frog have been offended? Or would French people have been offended by the use of the word 'frog'? Is Kermit french? Much of what we believe and what offends us comes from our own perceptions, but I wonder, is it our perception or our insecurities? Are we sensitive or uptight?
Back to my gay example. (There I go again) The word gay means either homosexual or happy. But somewhere along the line it took on a new meaning due to a general hatred or 'intolerance' of homosexuality. Today, if used to refer to someone that is homosexual, it is a perfectly acceptable word. If it is used to describe something that suggests homosexuality, you walk a fine line between acceptable/funny and crude/hateful. If something fits within a stereotype we often find the humor in it, especially if the originator of the joke fits the stereotype.
It seems that problem inherent to the use of any word really comes from three places.
1 - The source - Was it some asshole or was it a friend? i.e. My friends and I can joke and call each other fat, but some asshole calls him fat and we have an issue.
2 - The intent - A humorous context, especially in cases where a funny parallel is drawn, it is generally acceptable. i.e Straight Guy #1: 'Dude, I am going to be late because I need to go get my chest hair waxed.' Gay Guy #2: 'Dude, that's so gay.' Change that to Straight Guy #2 and it's not funny anymore... or as funny.
3 - Whether the word was used correctly. i.e. 'This math class is so gay. The bell can't ring soon enough.' Gay? really? It's a happy class and you want to leave? Were you only allowed to use mixed fractions? I don't get it.
To that last point, should one be angry that some illiterate retard used the word incorrectly? WHOA! 'Retard'? This is another one of those words that has become common to use to refer to someone's mental capacity in a disparaging way. A word that for all intents and purposes has been deemed offensive. About the best I can say for the word is that people tend to use it in a relatively accurate context, unlike 'gay'.
The origins of retard are a little clearer. It used to be a clinical term and acceptable but once it began to be uttered with contempt or ridicule by those that were neither sensitive nor informed, it was no longer ok. Mentally Challenged, doesn't roll off the tongue in the same way and is therefore more difficult to use when referring to someone else's stupidity. (To that point, since 'retard' isn't used anymore clinically, can everyone else have it back? No?)
I think the added challenge that this word has in being admissible is that there is no moral ambiguity or long-held stereotypes that color most people's beliefs. We can see someone that is mentally challenged and we 'get it', we can feel empathy (whether they want it from us or not - but that's a whole other topic) and we can understand how crass the word is. If someone is aloof or prejudice, there is little that will change them aside from experience.
Prejudice and ignorance seem to go hand in hand. Do some of the stereotypes have a hint of truth but a twinge of jealousy mixed in? Does an opposing belief color ones point of view? Do we hate or poke fun because we don't understand or because we are trying to deflect from our own insecurities? Or in the case of religion are we afraid of being wrong? "I don't want the embarrassment of being wrong so I will discredit the other guys to preserve my self-esteem." In some cases I don't understand the fuss. I know I for one considered becoming Jewish just so I could get a grip of my finances. Perhaps if I could have changed my race or nationality I might have become a better athlete too. The prejudice breeds contempt and contempt can change the meaning of simple words into something more complex.
Truth be told, they are just words. Sounds that are fit together and given a definition. But for some reason, some are taboo. It's the same reason why I question swearing sometimes. I'll be the first to tell my kids to say 'Oh my gosh' and not 'oh my god' or mute the TV when a cavalcade of curse words comes from the speakers. Although I don't change the channel... and while we are on the topic, why is 'shit' a bad word but 'poop' is ok? Or even 'crap'? The 'F word' tends to be a matter of convenience much like 'retard' as no one in the middle of an argument will say 'Make love you!' or 'Have sex off!!' But where does 'What the f*ck?' come from? (and why did I use an asterisk instead of a 'u' right there? Will the 'bad word police' write me a ticket?) It's like calling something we don't like 'gay'? 'What the sex?' makes no sense but WTF is generally acceptable. At least anyone can claim to be offended by 'the F word' and we don't limit it to one particular demographic. It's nice to be inclusive, that way no one's feelings get hurt.
But really, what I want to know is, why do we get offended? Because we are insecure? Do we want to be liked and accepted without exception? Can we simply not take a joke? Are we too lazy to examine ourselves or question why we are who we are?
Or is it the asshole theory again? It may not matter what our friends say because we know what is in their hearts, but we'll be damned if some asshole is going to challenge who we or our friends are and who we choose to be. So does it come down to what is being said, or who is saying it? To that point, should the opinion of an asshole make that much difference in our lives? By talking about it and giving it weight, do we give it validity? Does it become relevant because we allow it to be? Or are we afraid that saying nothing and ignoring the word allows the hate and the ignorance to permeate? Or do we simply have a predisposition towards complaining and always need something to fall back on?
My daughter went on to finish the story about the 'gay' exercise by letting me in on what transpired after class. Her friend 'Bertha' uttered under her breath upon safely reaching the hallway, "That was so gay." Now I wouldn't condone calling a 7th grader an 'illiterate retard' for not using the word correctly, or for any other reason for that matter, all I can really say is, "Bad choice of words, Bertha, but I get what you mean."
