She's going to be a teenager.... The sentence every dad dreads. From the day she is born or, in my immediate case, the day she found my heart, you worry about it. I know we all do it. The dust settles a bit in the delivery room, the visitors have slowed to a trickle, the nurses are checking in a little less frequently allowing you to get acquainted to the newest member of the family. You sit down in that wooden rocking chair with your new sense of purpose swaddled in your arms. Mommy looks at you with a tired and proud smile taking it all in. You look in those innocent little eyes and you think one thought Dad, just one thought at that very moment.. well, actually a stream of thoughts... "She's going to be a teenager one day, boys will chase her or worse.. SHE'LL chase boys, someone is going to break her heart (I'll kill the punk) or worse... someone will steal her heart, I'm losing her already..."
We eventually settle down, it's just that the excitement of the day tends to get us a little wound up. But in the back of our minds we still have the thoughts, they creep up from time to time over the years. We know we are not the mom, we're not the sensitive one, we can't follow their logic (or apparent lack of it), their emotions are front and center and ours are repressed, right where they are supposed to be as we are the protector, we are in charge and in control, that's our facade. Dad's don't have 'the talk' with our girls. "Eww, gross." We are intimidators and grumblers.
We were boys before we were men. (Our wives will tell us we are still boys) We know how boys think, we know what they do. Not ALL boys mind you and certainly not US, but we know what the OTHER boys were thinking, and we'll be damned if anyone thinks it about you.
But maybe in a rare moment of clarity and calm we can pass on what we really want to say. What we want to tell them without giving a lecture or sermon. What we want them to hear without giving us an eye roll. We say 'grumble, grumble' but what we really mean is this:
- Demand nothing less than respect. He treats you like a lady. He talks to you like a friend. Your lives are not stories to share with the guys. Embellishment and lies are not to be tolerated... heck neither is the truth if it isn't anyone else's business.
- Give nothing less than respect. Be the example.
- Know your limits - Make sure he knows them too. Wherever you go and whatever things you do, you do on your time, not theirs. Respect.
- Don't take unsolicited advice from your friends. "Susie has a new boyfriend like every week, OMG she SO knows what she is doing!" Those girls have had so many boyfriends because they DON'T know what they are doing. Your friends need to respect you and they need to know your limits too. It's ok to talk to them, you'll be talking to your girl friends your whole life about anything and everything, but you need to demand respect from your friends as well. Listen to the one that sounds most concerned and wants what's best for you, not the one with the suggestion for everything you should do and everything you should say.
- Relationships at your age are like homework. They are practice, they don't count against the final grade so much. You're allowed to go to your parents for help. Failing an assignment doesn't mean you flunk the course. There will always be another assignment. You don't give up when you did the odd math questions when you should have done the even and it's not the end of the world when he's not 'going out' with you anymore. It will feel like it, but I assure you it is not. Tell you what, you are allowed one night locked in your room playing the same break-up song over and over, crying your eyes out. I'll keep your sister and brother away. But one night is all you get. He wasn't good enough to deserve that one night, so consider him lucky. Tomorrow, the sun WILL come up.
Remember that friends are going to come and go, some will always remain. The person you are now is not who you will be in a year, in 5 years or decades from now. My hope is that you will keep the same spirit, you will dare to love and you will find happiness in what really matters most.
If you remember nothing else, remember this... I loved you first and if he breaks your heart, I'll break his knees... if he's lucky that's as high as I go.
